


inevitable

by sprinkleofsunshine



Series: songfics [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: (she's me), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Break Up, Depression, Dubious Consent, Falling Out of Love, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Illness, Songfic, featuring some disgusting analogy about brains, inspired by orla gartland's "inevitable", jeremy's kind of a dick, projecting?? who's she??, sad boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:08:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21708733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sprinkleofsunshine/pseuds/sprinkleofsunshine
Summary: maybe it's inevitable, but this just isn't fun anymore.***(in which jeremy finds himself falling out of love again, and tries desperately to save a relationship that's long gone.)
Relationships: Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Series: songfics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1548631
Comments: 11
Kudos: 37





	inevitable

**Author's Note:**

> the following oneshot was inspired by orla gartland's "inevitable"!! you can find the song linked at the bottom if you'd like to check it out. i recommend listening to it before or while reading.
> 
> enjoy!! :)

jeremy knew that this would happen.

it always does. he catches feelings too fast, gets too caught up in the glamour of puppy love, then watches as it fizzles out in flames. it happened with bridget, that girl he'd dated for a couple weeks in middle school. it happened with christine, senior year.

now, it was happening again, with michael.

he knew this would happen; it always does.

he just didn't expect it to hurt so much.

***

"-and then she- oh my _god_ , she had the nerve- the _audacity_!- to tell me i was being dramatic?"

michael was rambling. jeremy had tuned his voice out after the first couple sentences, his mind occupied with meaningless garble about this and that. he stared out the car window, watching trees go by.

"-so naturally, as a completely heterosexual individual, i let her suck my dick behind the seven eleven, and then she stabbed me-"

part of him knew he should've been paying attention, but he couldn't find the energy to care.

"-in conclusion, i know you're not listening to me, jeremy."

he blinked, turning away from the window. "hm?"

michael glanced at his boyfriend quickly before moving his focus back to the road. "did you hear anything i just said?"

"yeah, yeah, you... you were..."

he frowned. "you zoned out again."

"oh." jeremy rubbed his eyes. "yeah, sorry. i guess i'm just more tired than i thought."

"oh, babe," michael smiled sadly. he tapped his temple. "rough night?"

michael was so understanding, it hurt.

"i... i guess?"

his boyfriend reached over the center console, resting a hand on jeremy's thigh. "that's alright," he sympathized. "we can have a self care day today, if you want? i think i still have those bath bombs chloe gave us for christmas. we can use one of those, maybe that'll help you relax more."

"that- that sounds good," jeremy nodded, feeling his mind drifting again.

michael grinned a little brighter. "great."

the rest of the car ride was quieter.

jeremy felt like his brain was melting. it felt like all coherence had seeped out from his mind, pooling at the back of his head, pouring out of him. this off-putting visual led to a spiral of interweaving thoughts that never really connected.

this happened all the time. he wasn't sure why he was thinking so much, but it drained the life from him. no wonder he was so tired.

he sighed, closing his eyes and letting his liquid brain slosh around.

no point in trying to stop the inevitable.

***

that night, jeremy felt michael pull him just a little bit closer. the warmth of his embrace should have been comforting- it usually was- but now it just made jeremy's skin crawl. he recoiled, sitting up, body tensing.

michael let go immediately. "you alright, baby?"

jeremy blinked, feeling the movements after they'd happened. he felt detached from his body. 

he scratched at his skin a little.

"hey, _heyheyhey_ -" distantly, he felt michael's hands overlap his own, pulling them away from his body. "you're alright, jere. i've got you."

he felt sick.

"I'm fine," he mumbled. "i'm fine."

he felt michael's hands squeezing lightly. "baby..."

" _let go_. i'm fine."

the hands disappeared.

"i'm just..." michael sighed. "i'm worried about you, babe. you've been taking your meds, right?"

he nodded. his liquid brain felt too heavy.

"that's good..." the bed underneath him shifted. "and you've been eating and sleeping regularly, i know that much... what about classes? profs stressing you out?"

jeremy shrugged. "they're all very nice," he said, voice unsteady. " _you're_ very nice."

michael chuckled distantly. "thank you. this isn't about me, though."

_isn't it?_

"so," michael said, "it isn't school. it isn't food, or sleep, or meds. so, it's just a weird day, yeah?"

"mhm."

"okay. that's okay."

he felt lips graze his temple. fire burst under his skin, but he kept his mouth shut.

michael was still talking. he did that too much.

"let's just try to get some rest, okay? wake me up if it gets too bad."

"okay."

michael grinned weakly. "i love you, miah."

"mhm." jeremy closed his eyes, leaning into his boyfriend's arms again. "love you."

every single part of him felt wrong.

he shrugged it off and let himself sleep.

***

"jeremy," michael practically sang, draping his arms over his boyfriend's shoulders. "i missed you."

"i wasn't gone long," jeremy smiled fondly, pressing their foreheads together. "it's only been a couple hours."

"i know, i know. but i missed you anyway."

michael's voice was floaty and light. it held that familiar teasing lilt, the one he always used when he wanted jeremy to kiss him until they both saw stars.

"oh, did you?"

"mhm," he giggled a little, leaning forward to peck jeremy's lips.

jeremy closed his eyes. "you're in a good mood."

"i've been waiting for you to come home."

"yeah?"

"yeah." michael pressed a couple gentle kisses to jeremy's jaw, smiling coyly. 

he nodded a little, kissing michael's nose. "so i'm assuming you want to-"

"yeah," michael said, "i do."

he bit his lip. "are you gonna hate me if i say no right now?"

michael's smile dropped immediately. he pulled back a little. "of course i'm not gonna hate you. baby, if you don't wanna do anything-"

"you deserve to feel good though-"

"-we don't have to."

jeremy's eyelids fluttered weakly. he took a step back. 

"jere," michael said softly, "it's okay."

he shook his head. he knew michael wanted to feel good. he knew it had been weeks since they'd done anything remotely exciting together. 

"just..." he sighed. "just gimme a few minutes, okay?"

"you don't want to have sex. it's okay, jere. you know that."

"no, i know. i wanna make you feel good."

"but you-"

"i do, okay?" jeremy fumbled over his words. "i'll do it. just give me a few. i have homework to do. when we're done, if you want, i'll blow you or somethin'."

michael grinned shyly. "you don't have to."

"i want to."

seeing him smile made jeremy's heart do something fluttery, something he couldn't quite decipher. he couldn't tell if he liked that feeling or not.

rather than express this, he just smiled back softly. 

they made their agreement, and, true to his word, jeremy found himself between his boyfriend's legs a couple hours later, wiping his lips. his insides felt all wrong, and there were practically waves crashing against his temples with the way his liquid brain jostled. but michael was panting and whispering " _god, jere, so good,_ " and he couldn't find it in himself to care about the unrest in his head.

he'd think about it later.

***

the sofa was colder than jeremy remembered.

lying there now, he closed his eyes, listening to the sounds of the world around him bursting to life. he could hear cars outside, the neighbors bickering, his boyfriend upstairs tossing uncomfortably in his bed. most of all, he could hear his brain. cogs turning, liquid threatening to spill out of his eyes and ears. he hated it.

he opened his eyes. looked at the ceiling. studied the popcorn dots above him. when he started to feel dizzy from counting, he turned and stared at the wall.

the pictures taunted him. he saw the smiling faces of a couple he hardly recognized. they were everywhere- at the beach, at a party, at disneyworld. they looked so carelessly in love, so young and free. it was hard for him to believe some of these pictures had been taken mere weeks ago.

distantly, jeremy could hear footsteps coming down the stairs. he could hear his boyfriend's unsteady breaths. something inside him knotted up.

"miah?"

jeremy cleared his throat. "hm?"

his voice was soft. "is something wrong?"

jeremy shrugged. 

michael sighed tiredly. "come to bed."

jeremy's body moved against his will. he ambled alongside his partner, limbs heavy, eyes burning, and made his way to their room.

once they were inside, michael mumbled a quick _goodnight_ , burrowing under the duvet like he always did. jeremy noticed him turning toward the empty spot beside him, arm outstretched, an open invitation. settling beside his boyfriend, he leaned into the touch, resting his head on michael's chest, picking up on the relieved sigh he let out. he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the way his skin burned everywhere michael was touching him.

a thought was echoing in the back of his mind; it had been for a while now.

jeremy tried to ignore it. he always did. but now, as he listened to the steady thump of michael's heartbeat, the thought seemed to grow louder and louder. 

it was safe to say it scared him. he'd felt this way in the past, but every time, he'd had reason to. 

bridget had cheated on him. he'd heard it in the middle school courtyard, through whispers and giggles. she'd hooked up with some kid named dustin at a birthday party.

christine had dreams to follow. jeremy wanted to stay in jersey, go to community college, get a job. chris wanted to study abroad, visit romantic cities, perform. 

but michael? nothing about him was wrong. he was the most caring, sensitive, beautiful individual jeremy had ever known.

he'd sacrificed so much for this relationship. he's the one that wanted to move in together, go to the same college, keep each other grounded. he's the one that made sure jeremy was taking his medication. he's the one that promised, day one, he'd never leave jeremy's side.

jeremy was terrified. he had no reason to feel like this. he had no reason to shut michael out.

still, that quiet voice in the back of his mind taunted him. and now, surrounded by the quiet of the nighttime, he couldn't help but listen.

_this just isn't fun anymore._

***

jeremy woke up before michael. 

he untangled his limbs from michael's, opting to head downstairs before the latter woke up. 

grabbing a blanket from their sofa, he wrapped himself up, melting into the fluffy fabric. jeremy stumbled a bit as he made his way to the kitchen, fixing some hot water for his morning cup of tea. he hadn't slept well, and it was cold. he would need to pull out all the stops if he wanted to make if through this next hour.

when it was all said and done, he sat on the sofa, and he waited.

***

"babe," michael yawned, rubbing his eyes as he wandered downstairs, "what're you doing up so early? you don't have class until, like, 9."

jeremy braced himself, speaking quietly. "we..."

"was it the way i was acting last night? because i promise, i didn't mean to sound rude. i was just really tired. i'm sorry if i made you upset."

"michael, it's not-"

"really, i mean that." michael was rambling, like he always did. jeremy had found that endearing at a time. now it just made him angry. "you know i care about you. is there anything i can do to-"

he cleared his throat. "would you just-"

"i wanna help you, just give me a-"

" _michael we need to break up._ "

jeremy bit his lip. he stared at his partner's face, watching carefully for his reaction. michael blinked a little, cheeks paling.

"i... sorry?"

"we..." jeremy sighed and tightened the blanket around himself, ignoring the way his voice broke. he swallowed the lump in his throat. "we need to break up."

michael blanched, bringing himself to sit down at the edge of the sofa, far from jeremy. "okay," he said softly, "okay. _okay_. um..."

jeremy's insides burned. "michael-"

"okay," the boy repeated. "that's, uh. that's. wow. uh."

"i'm sorry," he tried weakly. "it's... i don't want to."

"clearly, you do," michael mumbled. 

jeremy's brain rocked in violent waves, temples throbbing. he couldn't breathe.

"it's..."

"why?"

he blinked. " _why?_ "

michael was nodding. he seemed so calm, considering the flames engulfing his partner. "why? what made you want to break up with me?"

"mike, i don't want to. i need to."

"yeah, why is that?"

"be- _because_!" jeremy groaned, resting his head in his hands. "i just- i-i'm hurting, and i'm tired, and- and i can't give you what you need-"

"jeremy-"

" _no!_ " he continued, frustration reeling within him. it felt like a match had been struck inside him, igniting a chain reaction of thoughts and words and emotions. "this- this isn't fun for me anymore! i don't wanna lie to you anymore. i don't want to pretend i'm feeling these feelings when i'm not. i- god- you're so, _so_ good, michael, but i'm- i just- i can't do this to you."

michael sighed. "jeremy, please."

"i just can't do it," he whined pathetically. "i want to love you, but i just- i- i can't!"

"jere."

he shook his head.

"jere, look at me."

he didn't want to look up, didn't want to see how he'd hurt michael.

" _please._ "

jeremy felt himself shatter. 

he looked up slowly, not realizing the tears stinging his skin. his watery eyes studied michael's calm face, analyzing. 

despite his shy smile, his quiet gaze, jeremy could see through him. he saw the sadness in his eyes, the pain. 

michael was whispering. " _it's okay_."

the dam in his mind broke.

before he could even process it, he was collapsing in michael's arms, chest heaving as he sobbed. 

he cried for himself, for the pain he'd never be able to let go of. he cried for michael- for the love he'd felt, the way he treated him, the heartbreak he was causing him. he cried for their broken relationship. he cried for the love they'd lost. 

"i'm sorry," he managed through broken sobs. "i'm so, so sorry."

"it's okay, miah," michael hummed softly. "it's all gonna be okay. i promise."

he nodded, not believing himself. he could feel himself shaking, his entire body burning as he poured out months of pent-up emotion. all of the fear, all of the hurt, all of the denial; it all came flooding through him in the form of broken, teary-eyed sentences.

michael was rocking him back and forth gently. god, he was just so good to him. he always was. even before they were dating, michael had always been right beside him through everything. failed relationships, family drama, bullies at school. michael was there to fight for him- fight _with_ him. and, when the battles were lost, he was the one to dry jeremy's tears.

he wasn't disgusted by michael. he didn't hate him. but he couldn't spend any more time trying and failing to feel something he just didn't feel. he couldn't lie to him anymore.

jeremy couldn't possibly understand how he could just stop loving him.

he opted to ignore his pounding head, burying his face in michael's chest.

"i never meant to hurt you," he attempted.

"i know."

"i wish i didn't feel this way. i wish i could still love you. i wish i-"

"shh," michael said weakly. "i know, miah."

jeremy sat up after a while, rubbing his eyes. everything burned. his head, however, felt impossibly clearer. the loud liquid slosh in his ears had dulled, being replaced with a quiet buzz in the back of his mind. he felt like, for the first time in a while, he could breathe.

"i..." he looked at the door. "i should probably move my stuff out soon."

michael nodded.

"are you okay?"

"i... i think so." the frown on his lips betrayed his words. "or- at least, i will be."

he knew he was hurting michael. it stung, knowing that this was all his fault, but not knowing how to stop it.

he watched as michael brushed his hands on his jeans, sighing softly. "i have class," he muttered to no one in particular.

jeremy nodded. "drive safe."

"mhm." michael walked to the door.

jeremy wanted so badly for his heart to clear again. he wanted to jump up, to cry out " _no, michael, i was wrong, i still love you!_ "

he couldn't. he didn't.

as he approached the door, michael turned around.

the morning light pouring through the doorway transformed him into a gorgeous silhouette. it hurt jeremy's eyes.

"was..." michael's voice broke a little. "was any of this real?"

"hm?"

"this." he waved a hand between them. "us. did... did you ever really love me?"

jeremy nodded. he didn't trust himself to talk.

the other nodded again. "good." he spoke softly. "that's... good."

then, the door closed, and jeremy was alone.

he curled his knees to his chest, letting his body sink into the sofa until he was lying on his side.

he squeezed his eyes shut, and he slept.

***

maybe jeremy had lied to himself before. maybe falling out of love wasn't so cut and dry.

maybe he knew this would hurt.

it always does.

**Author's Note:**

> (inspired by orla gartland's ["inevitable"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M60ssROU_u0))
> 
> thanks for reading!! :)


End file.
